A Rather Awkward Pickle

I’ve felt that under-the-skin shaky kind of feeling all morning, the result of waking early after going to bed way, way late... it feels like my nervous system has been soaking in brine, my weary but restless mind spinning scenarios- "what if"-s, "why not"-s, "why does it have to be this way"-s tumbling over one-another like puppies with their eyes only half open.  Not as cute as it sounds.

This leaves me with only twenty minutes to write.  So how ironic that it was writing that kept me up all night?  Not the act of it, but rather the thought of it.  How a Very Cool opportunity could be staring me in the face, and how I may have to be uncommonly transcendent (even for a breakthrough junkie) in order to attain it.  And whether it’s worth the risk.  I spent the wee hours inventing risks, then transcending them, then deciding the whole thing wasn’t worth the heartache, then getting mad that everything has to be so complicated, finally completing the circuit with a vision of what-happens-if-I-can’t-transcend.  Then starting anew with a round of oh-but-what-if-I-can.  If I don't at least attempt transcendence, will I (n)ever forgive myself?

And because I am not in this picture alone, there arises the issue of others’ willingness to transcend as well-  which leaves me with buckets of quandaries regarding boundaries and respect for others.  

The cardinal question is emerging to be this:

Can we insert ourselves into situations in which our presence may be potentially challenging and awkward for another person or group of people, if we start from the position of presumed goodwill and show up willing to do the work?

I'll have to marinate in that one for a while.

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